You do not need to fix how your child feels. You need them to know you understand it. These five phrases of validation will help.
By Karyn Hall, Ph.D. DBT Wise Training
You are stuck in traffic and already late. The traffic isn’t moving at all, and you cannot think it away or wish it away. You’re going to be late for an interview or a job you really want. You might not even make it at all. And your phone is dead.
You have two choices in that moment: spend the next 20 minutes tense and furious at something that cannot change, or accept that this is what is happening and decide what to do from here.
That is a small example of a much larger idea. Radical acceptance is a skill taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that addresses the gap between pain and suffering. Pain is unavoidable. Everyone experiences loss, disappointment, illness, and grief. Suffering, as DBT defines it, is what we add on top of pain when we refuse to let reality be what it is. We add more emotional suffering by fighting against realities that we cannot change.
The formula is simple and important: pain plus nonacceptance equals suffering(Linehan, 1993). The pain itself is often not something we can change–if you can change it in a healthy way, then of course that’s a first choice. But nonacceptance, the fighting, the ruminating, the replaying of “this shouldn’t be happening,” is something we have some influence over. Radical acceptance is the skill of reducing that added layer.
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When your child is upset, the first instinct most parents have is to help, to make it better. That usually means explaining why the situation is not that bad, offering a solution, or reminding them of everything they have to be grateful for. These responses come from a good place. They almost never help.
What actually helps, according to decades of research from Dr. Marsha Linehan, the psychologist who developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy, is validation. Not agreement, not approval, and not giving in. Validation is simply communicating that you understand what your child is feeling and that their feeling makes sense.
That sounds easy. Yet, most parents find it surprisingly hard, especially in the middle of a big emotional moment.
The five phrases below are practical starting points. They are drawn from Linehan’s levels of validation, a research-based framework for showing someone that you genuinely hear them. You do not need to use these exact words. What matters is the spirit behind them.
| What is validation in DBT? Validation means communicating that another person’s feelings, thoughts, and reactions make sense given their situation and history. It does not mean you agree with their behavior or think everything is fine. It means you understand why they feel what they feel. Linehan (1993) identified validation as one of the most powerful tools for reducing emotional intensity and building trust. |
Why Validation Works When Explanations Do Not
When a child is emotionally activated, the thinking part of their brain is less available. Explaining, reasoning, and problem solving all require that thinking part to be online. That is why logical responses to big emotions tend to fall flat. The child is not in a state where logic can land.
Validation works differently. It does not require the child to think. It meets them where they actually are. And when a child feels genuinely heard, something shifts. The emotional intensity decreases. The thinking brain comes back online. Then, and only then, is problem solving actually possible.
Research on parent-child interaction has found that parental validation is associated with lower levels of adolescent emotional distress, while invalidating responses, even well-intentioned ones, are associated with increased distress over time (Shenk and Fruzzetti, 2011). In a study examining parental responses to adolescent self-harm, higher levels of parental validation predicted better outcomes for the teen (McCauley et al., 2019).
This is not a small thing. What you say in the hard moments matters more than most parenting advice acknowledges.
| A note on what validation is not Validating your child’s feelings does not mean you agree with everything they say or accept every behavior. You can say ‘I understand why you feel that way’ while also maintaining a limit. The two things are not in conflict. In fact, children are more able to accept limits from parents who they feel understand them. |
The 5 Phrases
Each phrase below comes with a note on when to use it and why it works. There is also an example of what not to say instead, because sometimes it is easier to recognize an invalidating response once you see it next to the validating one.
| Phrase 1 “I’m listening. Tell me more.” |
| When to use it: When your child starts to share something and you are not sure what they need. When the situation is unclear and jumping to a response too quickly might miss the point. |
| Why it works: This phrase does two things at once. It signals full attention, which is the most basic form of validation, and it invites the child to say more before you respond. Most emotional conversations go wrong because a parent responds to the first sentence before hearing the whole story. This phrase buys the time to actually understand what is happening. |
| Instead of: “What happened? Did you do something to cause this?” |
| Phrase 2 “It sounds like you’re feeling ___. Is that right?” |
| When to use it: When your child is upset but struggling to put it into words. When you want to show you are paying attention and check that you understood correctly. |
| Why it works: Reflecting back what you heard, including what you noticed about the feeling, shows a child that you were actually listening rather than waiting for your turn to talk. The question at the end matters: it leaves room for correction without making the child feel analyzed. This is what Linehan called reflecting accurately, the second level of validation. |
| Instead of: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” or “That’s not what happened.” |
| Phrase 3 “Given everything you’ve been through, it makes sense you feel this way.” |
| When to use it: When your child’s reaction seems big relative to the immediate situation but makes sense given their history. When they have been carrying stress for a while and this is the moment it comes out. |
| Why it works: This phrase communicates something deeper than just hearing the words. It shows that you understand the context and history behind the feeling, not just the surface event. For a child who has been struggling for a while, hearing that their reaction makes sense can be profoundly relieving. |
| Instead of: “You’re so dramatic.” or “It’s really not that big a deal.” “You only think of yourself.” |
| Phrase 4 “Anyone in your situation would probably feel the same way.” |
| When to use it: When your child feels alone in their reaction or seems ashamed of how they feel. When they are interpreting their own emotion as a sign that something is wrong with them. |
| Why it works: This phrase normalizes. It tells the child that their reaction is not strange or broken, it is a reasonable response to an actual situation. This is one of the most powerful forms of validation because it removes shame from the emotion. A child who is ashamed of how they feel cannot move through it. |
| Instead of: “I don’t know why you always make such a big deal out of things.” |
| Phrase 5 “I’ve felt that way too.” |
| When to use it: When you genuinely have had a similar experience and sharing it feels natural. Use sparingly. It works because it is real, so only say it when it is true. |
| Why it works: Radical genuineness is the deepest form of validation. It treats the child as an equal in human experience rather than a problem to be managed. It requires actual vulnerability from the parent, which is exactly what makes it powerful. A child who hears their parent say ‘I’ve felt that way’ feels less alone in a way that no amount of advice can replicate. |
| Instead of: “When I was your age I just dealt with it.” or “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you about my problems.” |
What Gets in the Way
Most parents already know on some level that these kinds of responses are better. So why is it so hard in the moment?
Part of it is urgency. When your child is distressed, you want to fix it. The fix-it instinct is strong and loving, and it points you toward solutions rather than understanding. Slowing down to validate first can feel like you are not doing enough.
Part of it is your own emotion. Your child’s distress activates your own. It is hard to stay regulated when someone you love is falling apart. And when you are activated yourself, the validating response is the last thing that comes naturally.
Part of it is what you learned. Most of us were not raised in households where emotions were validated this way. We learned to minimize feelings, push through, or fix. Those habits run deep.
None of this means you have failed. It means validation is a skill, and like all skills it takes practice. The goal is not to be perfect at it. The goal is to do it more often than you did before.
| One thing to try this weekPick one situation this week where your first instinct is to explain or fix, and try a validation phrase instead. You do not need to solve the problem. You just need to let your child know you heard them. Notice what happens. |
Frequently Asked Questions
Does validating my child mean I agree with everything they say?
No. Validation and agreement are different things. You can tell your child that you understand why they feel angry without agreeing that their behavior was okay. You can acknowledge that their feelings make sense while still holding a limit. In fact, children are generally more willing to accept limits from parents they feel understood by.
What if I validate and my child is still upset?
That can happen. Validation is not a technique for making emotions go away. It is a way of communicating that you are with your child in whatever they are feeling. Sometimes that brings relief. Sometimes the emotion is too big to settle quickly. What validation does is keep the relationship open, so that when the child is ready to talk or problem solve, they still feel safe coming to you.
What does an invalidating response actually sound like?
Invalidation does not always sound harsh. Common invalidating responses include: ‘You’ll feel better tomorrow,’ ‘You’re too sensitive,’ ‘I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way,’ ‘Stop crying,’ and ‘Look on the bright side.’ These responses communicate, even when kindly intended, that the feeling the child is having is wrong or too much. That is the core of what invalidation does.
Is there a good time to use all five phrases?
Yes. Different phrases suit different situations, and you do not need to use all five in one conversation. Start with Phrase 1 and Phrase 2 since they are the most natural entry points. Phrase 5 (radical genuineness) is the most powerful but also requires real personal resonance, so use it when it is genuine rather than as a formula.
Want to Learn More About DBT for Your Family?
Understanding DBT skills can help you support your child at home, especially if they are in DBT therapy or your child is an emotionally sensitive child. DBT Wise Training offers resources for families as well as training for clinicians. Soon, we’ll have courses for parents on demand.
| For further reading Hall, K. D., and Cook, M. (2012). The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions. New Harbinger. |
References
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
McCauley, E., Berk, M. S., Asarnow, J. R., Adrian, M., Cohen, J., Korslund, K., Avina, C., Hughes, J., Harned, M., Gallop, R., and Linehan, M. M. (2019). Parental validation and invalidation predict adolescent self-harm. Behavior Therapy, 50(3), 716 to 727.
Shenk, C. E., and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163 to 183.
Hall, K. D., and Cook, M. (2012). The power of validation: Arming your child against bullying, peer pressure, addiction, self-harm, and out-of-control emotions. New Harbinger.
About the Author
Karyn Hall, Ph.D. is the founder and director of the DBT Center of Houston and DBT Wise Training . She is certified by the DBT-Linehan Board of Certification and is one of only three certified RO DBT supervisors in the United States. She is the co-author of The Power of Validation and the author of The Emotionally Sensitive Person, SAVVY, and Mindfulness Exercises for DBT Therapists. Her most recent book is The Radically Open DBT Workbook for Eating Disorders.